I Thought I Knew What I Was Doing the Second Time
I thought I knew what I was doing the second time.
I had been through it. I knew the silence. I knew the holidays. I knew the 2am brain spiral and how to manage it and which coping mechanisms worked and which ones just delayed things by about forty minutes. I had my systems. I had my community. I had my RED Friday shirts lined up in the closet.
I was ready.
The Second Deployment Hit Differently
Except the second deployment hit differently. Not harder necessarily — just differently. In places I wasn't expecting.
The first time, I was so busy learning how to survive it that I didn't have much room for anything else. The second time, I knew exactly what I was in for. And knowing — really knowing — turned out to be its own kind of weight.
The Fear of the Known
The first deployment I was scared of the unknown. The second one I was scared of the known. Those are not the same fear and they do not respond to the same things.
What Helped the Second Time
What helped was other moms. Specifically the ones who were further along than me — the ones who had done this two, three, four times and still showed up proud and steady. I needed to see that. I needed proof that you could do this more than once and still be okay on the other side.
Be Visible for the Mom Behind You
That is something I think about now when I show up in this community. There is always someone behind you who needs to see that you survived it. You might not feel like a role model. You might feel like you are barely holding it together.
But to the mom in month one of the first deployment — you are everything. Just by still standing.
Be that for someone this week. You do not have to have it figured out. You just have to be visible.